Forget the poems of saints and ghosts This skin dosen't feel like home
by alltimeslash1
Summary: "are you honestly telling me, you jammed a pencil sharpener blade into my shoulder, throw me over yours and kidnapped me along with your son .. so i could help Cassian adjust ?" or murdoc and mac alone in a houes together .
1. Only fools make feasts of gold

**Notes:**

I've been trying to get this story together for months! But I've been doing it in section and chapter one was sucking so hard -_-

this was not supposed to be a continuation of 2x15 so to speak instead this was supposed to take place in a cannon where cassain was very much NOT in his father's custody yet , but then 2x15 cannon through me a curve ball , but if anything this episode also harden my resolve to write this fic , I really wanted to write one were murdoc kidnaps mac after getting cassian because cassian had liked mac and murdoc basically tries to get mac to play house with him , so yeah not the cannon I was expecting, but! I'm also glad it happened , I have a better feel for cassians character now witch I think will actually make this fic more enjoyable , but on that note some things that are different that need to be noted

.2x15 happened up to murdoc visiting cassian , after that cannon shifts  
. fleacher is alive in this  
. murdoc did not kill all the assassins he gathered , instead he bestowed a ..Different kind of punishment on the traitors witch will come to light latter

* * *

This isn't the first time he's been down this hall , or to this room ,nor is it the first time he's done it without mattys knowledge and against her wishes

No

In actuality he's gone to see cassian many times, and a plea to the guard who he admits he knows only vaguely, has kept her none the wiser, the only person who know about his comings here is jack, and the man only mildly approved, mostly because mac couldn't explain his reasoning clear enough, it was too deeply rooted in emotion , and jack feared that might be to compromising

The man may not be completely wrong, cassain and himself had a conversation not long ago, the subject of witch, is what drew him down here, in this moment, in the first place, and as he turns the corner to walk down the hall he's walked more times than many who should know,and catches two way glass out of the corner of his eye, his shoulder throbs

Gorge the guard in charge of watching cassain and..murdoc together , greets him as he has times before

"Mac, good to see you, tho I wasn't expecting you now, given.." and the man's eye's flit to the glass , and mac can't help but follow to the sight of murdoc bending down ,as they look at cassians drawings together

It's a sight he never would have thought he'd see, it sends confliction crawling down his spine like the spiders murdoc tore apart, and it reminds him to vividly of how murdoc had slipped into his head on the train and the moment between them that had followed, and his confliction grows, for it had indeed been just that a moment , shattered only with the words murdoc seemed unable to help but say , it does nothing to stop the feeling dancing in his gut

Noticing his discomfort, gorge tries to engage him to remove as much tension as he can from macs obviously already exhausted frame, and he can't help but smile, mac doesn't know the man as well as he knows others, but one thing he can say with certainty is that gorge is a good man, so he accepts the subtle offer , lets himself slip into easy conversation

Maybe that's why he doesn't see it coming

It happens to quickly, like some cliché scene from a movie , murdoc stands slowly and all too fast at the same time , or maybe macs mind is still slow from the mild pain meds he's on -he'd refused stronger strength, he sleeps odd on them - murdoc doesn't turn around , but says pleasantly "I'm ready " and that should of been macs first clue , but gorge moves before he can think too much on it , and opens the door

And the world goes to hell

The moment the door has opened enough murdoc spins on his heel, practiced and graceful with a flash of silver, to bury the blade from a pencil sharpener as deep as he can into gorges throat, the man makes a horrible wreathing gasp, before murdoc moves his hand swiftly to the right, silencing any further noise

And in that moment mac becomes all feeling, he must be , because before he can think he's in the door way , as if trying to reach gorge who his logical mind knows is already dead , and the hand not confined to a sling braces itself on the door frame , as mac takes in the carnage before him

And murdoc turns to him then, a strange look on his face and bloody blade still in hand, and says, almost, almost sadly

"Oh angus , you really shouldn't be here "

And mac braces for a fight , thinks himself ready for anything that may come , but his already drained body is unprepared , when murdoc lunges with full force , and jams the blade into his shoulder , the same shoulder he shot not hours ago , and the force is so great it pushes him from the door frame back into the hall , and mac can feel it , moving inside the reopened hole and he has to fight not to vomit as his heart pounds and his legs shake

And he tries desperately , at the very least to remain on his feet , but the weight of everything both physical and emotional that's happened seems all at once to come crashing down , his body forsakes him and he crumples to the floor in a heap with his back against the wall

He expects murdoc to loom over him, instead the man spares him a drawn out look mac can't read before wasting no more time to move swiftly back into the room where cassian still stands, oblivious to what's just happened , not a moment latter the boy emerges ,eyes still tightly shut, Headphones still in ears , but his hand is clasped in murdocs own, as the man holds him close to him and leads him , as if the work of murdocs own hands is a sight forbidden to his son

And mac finds himself wondering if the truths murdoc hinted at on the train held more truth then he'd thought, mac struggles to rise as murdoc moves to pass him but his body wont obey his commands, at the very last moment cassian runs into macs foot, the move nearly making the poor boy trip , it also causes cassians eyes to snap open , they land on mac , and the boy stills and says

"Mac?"

And murdoc freezes and looks down in surprise "cassian , bud , I thought daddy told you to keep your eyes closed?" but now that cassians seen him it's as if the boy won't be dissuaded "but dad , that's macgyver , he's my friend " and murdocs eyes swipe back to him , look at him with a new light swirling in there black voids

"Oh?"

"Yeah , he's one of the only ones that talked to me , and he'd come see me when I was lonely , he's really cool dad , he does all this stuff !" by the time he's done cassian is practically cooing, and his eyes are soft , and murdoc smirks dark but truly amused "my my macgyver , apparently enchantment with you and that lovely mind of yours runs in the family " , mac squirms under the praise , the compliment completely bastardized coming from murdocs lips, but cassian has lost his smile

"Oh daddy he's hurt!" and the man in questions eyes draw back to macs shoulder as if just remembering he quite brutality shoved an object in it " oh don't worry bubby,mac will be fine his own _papa bear_ will no _doubt_ be along shortly " mac flinches , murdoc nearly snarled the reference to jack , and mac waste no time glaring at him in turn, but cassians next words still them both

"Can-can we take him with us ?"

and murdocs truly shocked, mac can tell, despite how well the man hides it, hell macs not far behind , he knew cassian had grown to like him , the hugs the drawings and the pure unadulterated joy that was his greeting anytime he had walked into that room after their first 2 meetings had become proof of that , but the request still throws him for a loop

"W-what "

" _Cassian_ "

And from murdocs lips the name sounds more like a warning after all it would take extra time , and murdoc looks like without doubt he will refuse , but then he looks back down at mac heaving and bloody ,his eyes piercing, and a smile splits his face "you know what , I think that's a delightful idea "

 _Oh , oh no_

And macs trying desperately to squirm again to move in any way that might make this not happen, but murdocs hand , un gloved , comes down to grasp the back of his head almost tenderly , before curling tightly in his hair , and he leans down close to whisper in macs ear "I need you to go to sleep for a little while angus " and macs heart lurches as panic swirls in his gut , but before it can cultivate into anything more usable

Murdoc slams his head hard into the wall behind him, and darkness creeps in to consume everything.


	2. You got my back against the wall

**Finally chapter 2 .**

 **This little chapter also addresses murdocs change of heart considering fletcher, and I wanted to have some fun so in that part of this chapter there is also an illusion to one of my favorite bands that I worked into the writing its self , can you guess what it is before you get down to the bottom note ? Let me know in the comments :)**

* * *

He moves in and out of consciousness, like a tide ebbing and flowing, or at least he thinks he does, he gets flashes, a car, light and sound, of the world tipping as what must be hands lift him and move him as they wish, but it's still like being more asleep then awake, his head feels heavy and the world around him filters in like white noise on a screen that isn't working properly

But at one point darkness must take him again , for he dreams , no..he remembers..

* * *

 _Sitting across from cassian today isn't hard..per-say but it isn't easy,tho being in any position that resembles sitting in a chair isn't easy ether of late , it's only been a week since murdoc had him handcuffed to one after all , and he has to pause from his scribbles ,every now and then , to take a deep calming breath , he's doing just that when he notices the quite that's taken hold of the room , cassian has stopped drawing , and he breaks the silence with his soft words_

 _"He's done bad things hasn't he?"_

 _The voice is so soft and sad that mac can't hold on to his own discomfort , it vacates the room like dust on wind , he wants to say something reassuring , he wants to be like jack in this moment who always seems to have the right words, but all he can whisper just as sadly is_

 _"Cassian"_

 _"He's done bad things " and cassian looks up from his paper wetness clinging to the corners of his eyes as he locks them with macs own , searching and conflicted , like his next words will Make mac turn on him "but I love him !, he's my dad , to me he's only ever been my daddy and I love him ..is that wrong?"_

 _The words truly shock him, 1, in there raw honesty and 2, that cassian would trust mac with them in the first place , for a second he's not sure what he should say , what's safe to say , but his heart steps in where his brain seems to have short circuited, because he's stood here before , knows this painful place like a familiar room , so he says the words he wishes far more people had once said to him , and he finds they leave his lips easy_

 _"Cassian, this isn't your fault, and nothing you have done or felt is wrong, it's not wrong to be angry , it's not wrong to be scared ..and it's not wrong to love your father, your father-..is a complicated man who can be very spiteful... and hurtful, but i think he loves you to, I think you're the only thing he's ever loved in his whole life " and cassian's tears have overwhelmed his lids to slid down his cheeks, but there not sad , not now , instead cassian looks at him like his eyes have been opened and mac has just told him the most wonderful thing in the world , he's not through yet_

 _"And loving him back isn't wrong ether, you don't have to agree with what your father has done to still be able to love him, and if you want to love him in spite of those things ...then I think you should"_

 _And cassian's maybe not the only one close to tears now but before mac has much time to think on it , his arms are full of happy cassian , whose whispering thank yous in his ear , the boy snuggles his face into macs neck and coos "you're the best ever , I really like you mac , I'm glad were friends !"_

 _And he can't seem to keep the smile off his face_

 _"Yeah, I'm glad were friends to "_

* * *

Mac wakes with a jolt , there's pain flaring in his shoulder , and for a moment he's to lost to remember why , there something soft beneath him , it cradles his body in an l shape , after blinking rapidly the dimly lit room comes into better focus , and mac realizes with a start , that he's on a couch

He jolts again at the knowledge , and his shoulder throbs with a deeper ache , a shadow comes to loom over him , and clarity rushes in as he remembers why it burns , murdoc hovers closer to him , eyeing the sleeve of his shirt caked with blood , and from the corner of his eye mac catches the gleam of a syringe, and it's too much like before , sets him to struggling

"Murdoc what the fu-"

"Tsk tsk tsk , now now angus, only good boy language" and he leans in like mac and himself are sharing some intimate fucked up secret "there are small ears about " he jumps back up to full height a dementedly cheerful smile on his face, "now I need to help you get that nasty little blade out of that pretty little shoulder of yours !"

"Oh? How gracious of you considering you put it there in the first place"

"Oh _angus_ "and murdoc moans his name like he's dealing with a completely unreasonable reaction "let's not be cross, I only want to help carve that little piece of metal right out, and oh I can't wait to help you with that, how I have just dreamed of getting inside you"

"..Please never say that again"

Murdoc is unfazed by his request "but first " and he steps close to loom again, and without warning, grips the fabric of his shirt where arm meets shoulder, and tears the fabric from skin mercilessly , the action has him uttering a little gasp he can't help and murdoc practically purrs " I'm going to need you to be a good boy and go back to sleep for me " and the needle comes back into view and it's pretty obvious where murdoc intends to put it

The strained "no " as he tries and fails to squirm is pitiful even to his own ears, but murdoc cups his face with one hand in an obscene parody of how jack does, and leans in to breath hotly in his ear "shhh , _trust~me_ " and the pain of a needle jabs hard into his shoulder , and in the span of seconds , the world dissolves again to black.

When he wakes again, he's still on something soft, but from what he can see, this is a different room , a different couch , and as he takes stock of himself , different ..clothes , yes without doubt different cloths , and he finds his face heating as to how exactly that came to happen , he squirms from his lying flat possession to sit , and finds it easier this time , and turns his focus to take a good look at himself

He's in sweat pants, and a sweater to match, both black and too big for him , and he flushes further at the fact they can be no other than murdocs , he still has his own socks and something with slight weight to it is coiled around the ankle of his left foot , and he tries to dislodge it with jerking kicks , even as his body still refuses to obey him

"I wouldn't dear angus, it's not coming off any time soon I'm afraid, even for you"

He starts at the voice and zeros back in to realize murdoc has been sitting right in front of him, in a soft chair slightly in the shadows the whole time, the thought bothers his still sluggish mind, " you took my clothes ", murdoc smirks at him , drags the chair closer so mac can better see his face "oh don't worry , I left your honor in tack so to speak "

His eyes are still sleepy , even if his mind isn't , and he tries desperately to blink the fog away , as he shift into a better possession , the act brings his attention to a fact that escaped it before , his hands are in front of him , wrist encased in duct tape , but before the thought to struggle can take him , murdoc says "oh no no don't do that mac , I had to dig quite a bit to get that blade out of you , and I may have gotten a little excited and been a little ..ruff, best not to test it yes ?"

"What is this murdoc , why am I here ?"

"While for now I just want to talk , after I got ruff with you and you slept for 3 day well I was just ever so worri-" "what ! I was asleep for 3 days?!" "Shss shhh now , any hoo , we need to have an important chat , oh , and don't worry , it has everything to do with why your here , you see cassian likes you very much ", "that… doesn't seem to bother you .." "Oh it doesn't! i have quite the fondness for you as well , you're just such a fascinating boy angus , but ! To the point, cassian is back where he belongs, with his daddy safe and sound at home ", and at this murdoc jesters to the room and beyond

"But , daddy still has to provide for his little chickadee , and that as you know dear angus takes money, sooo daddy still has to go to work every once in a while , and as cassain droned lovingly on about you the whole way here .. i got to thinking , what better way to help my dear little cassain transition better than a beloved and friendly face ?"

He's stunned to say the least and it takes a moment to dissect the words and truly understand there suggestion,macs shoulder still throbs , as he looks from the tape holding his hands in front of him , back up into murdocs face , and maybe it's the sorority of the situation itself ,but all he can bring himself to do , is look dead into murdocs eyes and say plainly

"Are you honestly telling me, you jammed a pencil sharpener blade into my shoulder, throw me over yours and kidnapped me along with your son ... so I could help cassian adjust ?"

Murdos eyes jerk to the side for a moment, then back to face him, and a smirk tugs at his lips "oh I don't know, why don't you ask him ..you can come out now cassian "and as if summoned from the shadows of the room the boy emerges, bashful and flushed at being caught eavesdropping

But the boy comes to stand before him, doe-full eyes looking into his own and the words he speaks next grip macs heart in a vice "are you going to leave?"

 _Are you going to leave?_

He'd asked his father the same thing before he disappeared from his life, like some deep instinct had known the moment the man had walked out the door he wouldn't be back, it sends an ache deep inside of him, has him blinking rapidly, but cassina slides onto the coach sits as close as he can to him, takes his still bound hands in his "please don't leave , I can help you like it here I promise , please stay "

Words seem caught in macs throat, breathing to has become hard, but cassian is unyielding "are..are you going to leave ?" and mac , heart torn and constricted in a painful twist , can't help the reply that leaves his lips before he can think in the way it may seal his fate

"Not today"

And a smile splits cassians face and he hugs him , mindful of his shoulder , and mac takes the opportunity to glare at murdoc over cassains , murdoc only smirks back at him , looks about to say something else , but the door to the left opens , and in walks a man , that after murdocs declaration , mac was sure he'd never see again

Fletcher, has a look about him like a broken animal, both in body and in eyes, and before he can even get a word in murdoc snarl's to him "now fletcher , can't you see mommy and daddy are having a talk , wait outside like a good boy " and mac nearly expects resistance , but fletcher merely spares him a look , a glance he can't name and turns to leave without a word the same way he came in , and as he does macs eyes catch his right hand , and horror grips him

Fletchers hand, or what would be a hand were it not so badly maimed , fletchers fingers and his right thumb are gone , in their place only the palm remains in tacked , a cruel joke , for its useless , and mac remembers the words murdoc had used

 _I tore allll its legs off_

And yes mac thinks beyond disturbed , murdoc very well did , fletcher vacates the room and murdoc catches his dismayed look "oh yes angus , it's a delightful little tale , how our spider avoided being squished , but for another day I think ", and yes its quit the tale indeed

And murdoc remembers..

* * *

 _The chains dig into murdocs wrist , and the hair that falls into his eyes is a constant annoyance , and tho he appears calm and collected on the outside , the situation itself , along with all the little itches hes un free to scratch , set his insides to boiling_

 _When the door creeks open he expects to see fleacher or nigal slink in to gloat, the face he sees instead surprises him, alice , moves through the room like the shadows that dace across her brown skin ,the only sound she brings is the clink of a looong blade she binds to her back , the ever present blankness of her face making her look like a graceful doll, she kills just as gracefully , it's what made him collect her in the first place_

 _When she comes to stand before him , she looms not , instead she seats herself on the dirtied floor-as if it isn't the slightest bother- crosses her legs and brings the blade, still covered, to rest in her lap , she's put herself on his leave and she doesn't hesitate to look him in the eyes , keeps them , even as he says_

 _"I'm going to kill fletcher annnnd nigal annnd tommy , and..I'm going to kill you..alice "_

 _Alice doesn't flinch instead she inclines her head says simply "if you wish it " the blankness was one of the reasons murdoc had liked her the most , in this moment , it only serves to irritate him more , and he finds himself lunging at her , his temper short "I hope you enjoy your money while you can dear alice , it won't last long " by the time he's done the last word is a hiss but still she remains calm in the wake of his storm , she shocks him in turn instead_

 _"I will not be partaking of their spoils, nor will I be there for the exchange, I have taken this opportunity for nothing other than to tell you honestly that I'm leaving"_

 _A cynical laugh bundles in his throat "and to what, dear alice , do I owe such a moving action ?" alice doesn't break their eye contact "i have..great respect for you , despite the fact that I very much don't agree with you " and murdoc doesn't hold back the laugh this time , it leave his throat bitter and sardonic , the situation is starting to remind him to much of himself and nick , it makes him spiteful_

 _"And yet here I am, in chains"_

 _"You put me in chains"_

 _Well fuck, what can he say to that "you put us all in chains, fletcher, tommy , me ..Is it such a surprise to you that i would want to break them?" "freedom is a fleeting illusion alice" by the time he's done his voice is back to a hiss , she hasn't flinch from him once , but her eyes have given slightly at his words "we all chase fleeting things , fletcher chases money , tommy chases ghost , you , you chase feeling like one tries to catch smoke "_

 _The words are unnerving slightly, alice like himself, has a habit of reading people, a bit to deeply, "is that what turned you into a traitor dear alice ? The fleeting pursuit of freedom?" he means the words as an honest question, and for the first time since he's known her , there's a tug at her lips_

 _"In order to be a traitor , one must have been loyal to something in the first place , there was nothing that tied any of us murdoc , our entire existence is based in lies , from the ones we tell Our neighbors to the ones we tell our self's ,the only place we are truly our self's is when we're standing over a body , in the knowledge of that truth , I have always chosen freedom over anything else , that I respect you , will not change that simple fact "_

 _The words open and honest, are not expected, but his feelings don't change "and know this alice , I respect you as well , that will not change the simple fact that I will hold your heart in my hands, and tear you apart " he's leaned forward as he spoke , and their faces are almost touching , when she reply's her words are soft but they fill the dirty quite room_

 _"And I will accept your punishment , I have earned it ,I will take your wrath for I have eared that to , " she fixes her blade back around her shoulder and moves to stand , she moves swiftly to the door , opens it to leave , she turns back to him tho as she stands in the doorway "but I will take freedom as well , i will chase after it just as I chase after prey , no matter how fleeting it may be , I am good for nothing else , the question is..are you "_

 _"You're a fool" but its laced with fondness, what can he say she's less repulsive then most_

 _The smirk she sends his way is just as fond "good bye murdoc , for now "_

 _And then she's gone_

 _When he gets the time, and oh does he make the time, he goes looking for them all, but the first one he looks for is alice_

 _Under the cloak of night , he finds her in a building that has not yet risen , whose walls are still steel beams that look more like a jig saw puzzle , she's standing on one jutting out from the rest , high , the wind whispers past her frizzed hair and the humidity of coming rain makes the mist waft around her , she doesn't shy from him , looks him in the eyes as he moves to join her on the beam , as he comes closer murdoc can tell she's just come from a kill, there are still flecks of blood on her face_

 _"Hello murdoc "_

 _"Hello alice "_

 _The few feet between them become a few inches, alice doesn't move, nether to go for her blade or to move back from him, she stands still and firm before the panther prowling near her, murdoc could do it now, move with swift speed and slit her throat , push her quick and simple from the beam to the unforgiving ground below , but both thoughts don't bring the satisfaction he'd like , and something he can't quite name bites at him , instead he asks_

 _"Was it worth it all alice ? The freedom you were chasing?"_

 _And there's a fire in her eyes , a fire he's never seen before , and she moves even closer heedless of the threat he poses, and whispers simply into the air "yes" the words don't surprise him , but they send unexpected fond amusement tingling through his body , perhaps it drives his actions_

 _"I told you alice , your freedom would coast you your life "_

 _"I told you I found that price acceptable, there are after all many kinds of death "_

 _And murdoc finds he can't keep the smirk off his face "and what would you say, if I took your right hand?" and the fire turns to an inferno "I'd say id chase freedom all the harder with my left " and the smile splits murdocs face_

 _In the end he takes 3 of her fingers instead_

 _And leaves her with her freedom_

 _He takes far more from fletcher_

 _And puts him back in chains_

 _What can he say, there are, after all, many kinds of death.._

* * *

The band I alluded to in this chapter is an older rock band called "Alice in chains ", if you didn't get it I wouldn't worry ,I admit it was pretty subtle, also just as a quick but important note ,anyone out there concerned there's more to the oc alice , there isn't , this story is tagged mac/murdoc and mac/one sided everyone ,and I mean what I tag , theres no other pairings for murdoc , the point of alice was to not only show why fletcher is still alive, but also to show that while murdoc struggles with the concept of love , he is capable of having mutual respect for another person and in turn that can shape his actions just as much as anger , but it doesn't go any further then that.


End file.
